hapihapihapi

I finally changed colors I’m so happy. next challenge is to make a theme.my goal is to sell something I made on my site. like, fake cake, drawing, beads accessories, and whatever. I need 3 pages. for blogs, store, and gallery.

I wanna make my site more simple. I wanna decorate it in my style. maybe I’ll need to use vectorizer to make icons so I want to know more about it.

I’m sorry to change a subject. I’m gonna talk about my worries lol. lately my habit goes worse and worse. I couldn’t wake up in the morning today. I didn’t take a shower yesterday. I eat huge amount of foods and do nothing. am I pig or something? I need to die immediately. I don’t respond to friends. even my grandma. I can’t communicate with human ordinary. I shouldn’t to be born. I don’t deserve to be alive. I can’t change my mind however I try. so many people help me to live ordinary and I can nothing. I do nothing. I dunno how to effort. my lil brother does his best everyday and trying his best, while big sis do nothing. I tried to kill my self and failed it. I can’t live ordinary, and I can’t commit suicide, so what can I do? I got nothing done, I’m doing nothing, and probably I will die without complete nothing. I gave up doing something with effort long time ago.

let me talk about Osamu Dazai. I really love the word ’聖諦’. this word is his original. it’s like ‘holy resignation’ in English. maybe it sounds like sei-tei. 聖means holy, and 諦 stands giving up, resignation, or acceptance. this word was use in his works called ‘浦島さん’. in this works, he re-write ‘浦島太郎’, fairy tale of Japan.

this story start the scene of a guy who thinks himself is a gentle man saves a turtle who was bullied by some children. but in Dazai’s story, this turtle chide this man because he saved this turtle from his vanity.(what a narrow-minded turtle) and he laughed at the man’s mind. he said, “… you saved me because I was a turtle and bully were children… it was like capricious, you know? however, I was homeless and bully was wild fisherman, you definitely wouldn’t arbitrate and would run away. your kindness is playing. you saved me cuz I’m a turtle. but I don’t hate you. I like you. it’s not because you saved me, but like you for no reason. because I like you, I wanna make fun of you. this is how reptiles expresses our love. so, I really want you to come Ryu-gu castle. there is nothing like there. that is a country of singing, dancing, feast, and drinking. you must go there!”

persuaded by the turtle, the man went Ryu-gu castle riding the turtle’s back.on the way to the castle, the turtle talked about Oto-hime, the princes of the castle. when they arrived the castle, they went to meet the princes right away. in the twilight, they walk on the bridge of fish.”where is the princess? there is only void.” he asked. turtle answers, “you live on land, so you think that you can find her at somewhere north, south, east and west. but sea has more two direction. it is top and bottom. look down and listen carefully, the princess is playing her harp. hey fish, open the way for this gentleman. he’s the man who is going to meet the princess. these fish work for the princess as her ceiling. elegant person like you must be pleased when I say it is the floating jellyfish canopy.”

fish retreat left and right quietly, and the man and turtle captured the princess. they heard faint sound of harp, but not so strong as normal harp. its sound is soft and ephemeral. that was beyond expression. pretty, vague but noble awesomeness was there. “this song is mysterious. what is it called?” he asked. the turtle listen her harp, and said,”sei-tei.” “sei-tei?” “it is holy resignation.” when he heard of it, he realized how the life of this castle is sublime, and he ashamed of what he said to the turtle. he thought,”what I thought isn’t elegance. now I can understand why the turtle said I’m embarrassing. what the hell is gentleman. I’m the monkey in a mountain.”

I really love this story. I didn’t pay attention the original story, but the version of Dazai is so deep and beautiful. the princess is so pretty and noble. she is the real princess, so her feet hasn’t touched the ground.(she floats in the water) her feet is soft as child’s feet. she has no anxiety, so she doesn’t care whatever happens. she just be in the dark green ocean, and soft gentle light falls on her. gold little fish swim after her looks like golden rain. she just smile generously.

and I love the word 聖諦. suiside is similar to this word. Dazai failed to kill him self twice or third times, so he knew the temperature of the death. cold but warm. dark but bright. death sparks us when we need it. to kill ourselves is like giving up all things we have to solve. when I stood at 14f, I felt like I gave up a puzzle that I couldn’t solve it. throw away it and never touch again. it is a kind of freshness. I think it is the holy acceptance.

you are at 14 floor. wind, stars, forest, sky, all of the nature looked at you quietly. they just accept your existence. time goes slowly. the nature accept what you do. it’s okay to live or to die for them. they don’t care. mother of earth would hold us gently. only you have to do is to get over the fence. then, you look down night sky filled with bright stars. finally you are released by sense of guilt. only maroon flower remains.

it is not good to talk about death before we go to bed. so here is cute angel’s painting. he(she?)is so beautiful. byeee<3